"BEDROCK TREATMENT" by Joe Blevins -------------------------------------- Based on "Shock Treatment" and "The Flintstones" * Original Screenplay by Jim Sharman and Richard O'Brien * Original Songs by Richard O'Brien * "Flintstones" characters created by William Hanna and Joseph Barbera * Special thanks to Larry Viezel who compiled the "Shock Treatment" transcript which I used as my chief source in writing this script. DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between "Bedrock Treatment" and actual geological / anthropological fact is purely coincidental. Please excuse me if I use such terms as "neanderthal" and "cro-magnon" interchangably. Cast Conversion Chart: Fred Flintstone ---> Brad Majors Wilma Flintstone ---> Janet Majors *Fairly Flatstone (Fred's evil twin) ---> Farley Flavors *George Jetson ---> Dr. Cosmo "Mac" McKinley *Jane Jetson ---> Dr. Nation McKinley Betty Rubble ---> Betty Hapschatt Barney Rubble ---> Ralph Hapschatt The Great Gazoo ---> Judge Oliver Wright Wilma's Mother ("Battle Ax") ---> Emily Weiss Captain Caveman ---> Harry Weiss Pebbles Flintstone (as a teenager) ---> Nurse Ansalong Bam-Bam Rubble (as a teenager) ---> "Rest Home" Ricky Mr. Slate ---> Bert Schnick *Josie and the Pussycats ---> Oscar Drill and the Bits *The Teen Angels (from "Captain Caveman") ---> Cheerleaders *Ranger Smith (from "Yogi Bear") ---> Vance Parker *Shaggy (from "Scooby-Doo") ---> Kirk *Snagglepuss ---> Floor Manager Joe Rockhead ---> Irwin Lapsey *Daphne (from "Scooby-Doo") ---> Macy Struthers *Judy Jetson ---> Neely *Elroy Jetson & Astro ---> Neely's Crew *Velma (from "Scooby-Doo") ---> Wardrobe Mistress *non-"Flintstones" characters *** [Begin with fanfare and opening graphics from "20th Century Rocks" studios. Then, we see a still picture of a mysterious man -- Fairly Flatstone -- sitting in an office, engulfed in shadows. Credits roll across the bottom of the screen. A deep-voiced announcer is heard.] NARRATOR: Millions of years ago, in a prehistoric suburban town known as Bedrock, there lived a real fat guy. His belly was fat. His legs were fat. (chuckles) Even his *neck* was fat! But he still hadn't given up on finding the perfect gal. Trouble was, his perfect gal was in the arms of -- some other lardbutt. [Bouncy, uptempo overture starts as picture comes to life. Pan out to reveal that the shadowy room is some kind of control booth inside an ancient TV studio. We see a neon sign outside the office which reads, "Bedrock, the Home of Hominids." The studio looks much like the ones we know today, except the walls are very cave-like and the cameras, lights, etc. are crudely fashioned from wood and stone. Sitting in the otherwise empty audience seats are: Judy Jetson (a platinum-haired teen reporter), her crew (a small boy named Elroy and a dog named Astro), Barney Rubble (a short, blond TV host), Daphne (a sexy redhead co-host), and Snagglepuss (a pink mountain lion who acts as a floor manager). Ranger Smith (an average guy in a green uniform) exits Fairly's office and walks over to Snagglepuss. Ranger Smith motions for Snagglepuss, and the rest of the gang gets up from their seats. Snagglepuss walks over to the wardrobe room and knocks on the door. He enters as Velma (a nerdy, bespectacled brunette wardrobe mistress) exits. Velma walks around the corner and nearly runs into the makeup girl.] VELMA: Jinkies! [Velma keeps walking and nearly runs into Snagglepuss, who has just exited the wardrobe room through another door. The camera follows Snagglepuss as he walks down a spiral staircase to Shaggy's Snack Stand. Shaggy is a scruffy-looking teen with a bad goatee. Snagglepuss tells various cast members to get ready. The camera follows Snagglepuss as he walks to the set, where the word BEDROCK is spelled out in giant stone letters. First, he passes the Teen Angels (Dee Dee, Brenda, and Taffy), who are not yet in their places. He walks over to the large B, where "Battle Ax" (a hefty, mean-looking old broad) is standing. He then walks over to the large E, where Captain Caveman (a furry creature with a huge nose and a cape) is standing.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: (to "Battle Ax") You do good, sweetie! [Ranger Smith is now standing in front of the D, filling out a complaint form. The Teen Angels (in cheerleader outfits) are standing in front of the R and O, anxiously awaiting the start of the show. Barney takes his place in front of the C after he finishes combing his hair. Daphne stands in front of the K, adjusting her outfit. Snagglepuss walks past the BEDROCK set to the studio bay door and motions for it to be opened, letting the audience in. Among the various cavemen and cavewomen are Fred (a dark-haired fatso with a bad temper) and Wilma (his svelte, redhead wife).] FRED: (obviously steamed) Boy, Wilma, you and your bright ideas! I could be at home watchin' the fights! Instead, I gotta come down here and watch some dopey game show bein' taped! WILMA: Now, Fred, you promised you'd behave! [Fred, Wilma, and the other audience members take their seats. The camera finally comes to rest on the neon sign. Scene shifts to the video wall in Fairly's office, where we see the BTV logo and then the opening credits for "Bedrock Briefing," a magazine show. Back to the BEDROCK set, where everyone is in position. Judy turns around to sing as cutesy music starts.] JUDY: You'll find dinosaurs -- and cave-like houses And neanderthals -- with nagging spouses In Bedrock CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: It's like "Jurassic Park" With a few more laughs "BATTLE AX": Watch Fred make -- some clumsy gaffes In Bedrock RANGER SMITH: This show's re-run Twenty times a day now This cartoon is here to stay now "Flintstones" toys and "Flinstones" movies This merchandising's -- pretty groovy [Music really starts to cook as Teen Angels run forward and dance.] TEEN ANGELS: You may say that this cartoon's out of date now The animation's second rate now The lips don't move -- quite in sync Which makes us think -- this TV show stinks BARNEY: It's a rip-off of "The Honeymooners" DAPHNE: We prob'ly should've thought of that sooner BARNEY: We're gonna get sued DAPHNE: Yes, we're gonna get sued BARNEY & DAPHNE: We'll be sued AUDIENCE: Bedrock, Bedrock -- rhymes with "out of wedlock" A -- page right out of history Bedrock, Bedrock -- also rhymes with "dreadlock" It's -- still on the air Does -- America care? That's -- Bedrock's biggest mystery "BATTLE AX": It's like the Toontown of Neanderthals CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: A show to watch with your kids "BATTLE AX": It's like "The Jetsons" but with dinosaurs CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: The home of -- hominids DAPHNE: Story-wise, we never have a plot BARNEY: And fresh ideas -- Something else we haven't got TEEN ANGELS: But we're stuck in Bedrock, Bedrock 'til we rot AUDIENCE: Bedrock, Bedrock -- rhymes with "out of wedlock" A -- page right out of history Bedrock, Bedrock -- also rhymes with "dreadlock" It's -- still on the air Does -- America care? That's -- Bedrock's biggest mystery [Audience rises.] Bedrock, Bedrock -- rhymes with "out of wedlock" A -- page right out of history Bedrock, Bedrock -- also rhymes with "dreadlock" It's -- been on for so damn long Can its fans be wrong? That's Bedrock's biggest mystery [Audience sits down. Scene shifts to Betty Rubble (giggly brunette suburbanite) and the Great Gazoo (tiny, green-skinned alien being) on the "Bedrock Briefing" set.] BETTY: Well, that was, er, interesting. What did you think, Great Gazoo? GAZOO: Well, I'd hate to pass judgment right away. There are things to consider. BETTY: What types of things? GAZOO: Well, there are many factors one must take into account when judging a musical number. There's choreography... [Scene switches to Judy talking to Fred and Wilma. The Great Gazoo's lines can be heard in the background.] JUDY: Hi, Fred! Hi, Wilma! GAZOO'S VOICE: Lyrics. JUDY: Didja come to see "Marriage Mess"? GAZOO'S VOICE: Lip-syncing. JUDY: I'm working on a documentary for Fairly Flatstone's new show. He's the dreamiest. GAZOO'S VOICE: Melody. JUDY: You know, Fairly Flatstone! The bronto-burger king! GAZOO'S VOICE: Precision. JUDY: I tell you, Wilma, that guy is to Bedrock what Andy Taylor is to Mayberry! WILMA: Andy who? [Back to "Bedrock Briefing" set.] GAZOO: And set construction. Yes, Betty, one must take all these factors into consideration. And now, having done that, I can render my opinion. BETTY: And that opinion is...? GAZOO: It stunk. BETTY: Thank you, Great Gazoo, for that honest assessment. And now, a word from our sponsor... [Camera to Daphne on Fairly Flatstone commercial set. Daphne is wearing glasses and a graduation cap and gown. Little cavechildren are sitting on the floor in front of her.] DAPHNE: (pointing to blackboard) OK, kids, let's review the five F's. F for... KIDS: Fairly! DAPHNE F for... KIDS: Flatstone! DAPHNE: F for... KIDS: Fattening! DAPHNE: F for... KIDS: Fried! DAPHNE: And F for... KIDS: Food! FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Yes, Fairly Flatstone's Fattening Fried Food makes folks flabby and feeble and full of flatulence forever and ever. [Camera on Betty and Gazoo making their way toward Shaggy's Snack Stand. Betty walks. Gazoo flies.] SNAGGLEPUSS: (over PA system) Stand by for "Marriage Mess." Strike "Bedrock Briefing." BETTY: Oh, Great Gazoo, thank you for that insightful interview! GAZOO: You don't need to call me "Great Gazoo!" There's no need for such formality! Call me by my first name. BETTY: OK, Great. [Gazoo groans.] GAZOO: So, Betty, how about going out with me sometime? [Gazoo sees that a stagehand is about to bump Betty with the large E from the BEDROCK set, so he magically makes the stagehand disappear.] BETTY: Well -- (giggle, giggle) -- since Barney and I got divorced, I've been trying to avoid short men. We can still be friends though. GAZOO: Yeah, that's the story of my life. [Judy walks up to Gazoo and Betty.] JUDY: That interview was the spaciest! BETTY: The what? JUDY: You know, the most cosmic! BETTY: Huh? JUDY: Out of this world! BETTY: I'm sorry -- (giggle, giggle) -- I have no clue what you're talking about. JUDY: Oh, I forgot. Space travel won't come along for millions of years. You dopes still think the sun revolves around the earth. [Betty and Gazoo shrug as Judy walks off. The two arrive at Shaggy's Snack Stand.] SHAGGY: Hi, Betty. Like, how's it goin'? BETTY: Ahhh, it's OK. How 'bout rustlin' up some cave-coffee for me and my buddy here? SHAGGY: (producing two cups of coffee) Here ya go. Sure you don't want some Scooby Snacks? BETTY: Uh, that's OK. I think we'll stick with the coffee. SHAGGY: Suit yourself! (pops a Scooby snack into his mouth) Mmmm-mmmmm! Hey, Ranger Smith, ya gonna watch "Marriage Mess"? RANGER SMITH: Never miss it. This episode could put Mr. Slate at the top of the heap! SNAGGLEPUSS: Yeah. SHAGGY: Yeah? SNAGGLEPUSS: Yeah. The dung heap, that is! Oh, well. Gotta go check on Slate, or he could get upset! Angry even! Exit stage left! [Scene shifts to backstage area. Velma and Makeup Lady are fussing over Mr. Slate (bald, cross-looking middle-aged man, with dark glasses and a cane). Slate waves the women away with his cane.] MALE ANNOUNCER: And now, the man who proves that love and justice aren't the only things that are blind, the host of "Marriage Mess" himself...Mister Slate! [Mr. Slate stumbles in, knocking over a few of the set's flimsy walls with his cane. Somehow, Slate manages to get to the podium. Audience members rise to their feet.] MR. SLATE: Yabba dabba doo, Bedrock! AUDIENCE: Yabba dabba doo, Mr. Slate! [Audience cheers and sits back down.] MR. SLATE: Thank you. Thank you very much. You can all sit down now. [The already-seated audience members look at Mr. Slate with blank, puzzled expressions and shrug.] MR. SLATE: Well, before we get started, I want to plug tomorrow's "Fat Factory" show, a great new BTV special, sponsored by Fairly Flatstone. [Audience oooh's and ahhh's.] MR. SLATE: In fact, the show's hosts are here in the studio right now. [Camera shifts to Barney and Daphne.] MR.SLATE: Barney Rubble and his co-host, Daphne! Please, get the camera off them, for heaven's sake. This is still MY show. [Camera shifts back to Mr. Slate.] MR. SLATE: That's more like it. [Camera to Shaggy's Snack Stand.] BETTY: Daphne from "Scooby Doo" with my Barney -- (giggle, giggle) -- I never would've guessed. Still, the shorter the man, the taller the floozy. GAZOO: (staring at monitor) Isn't that Fred and Wilma Flintstone in the audience? What a mismatched couple they are. She's attractive, intelligent, and resourceful. He's a fat, ill-tempered slob. What can she possibly see in him? [Back to "Marriage Mess" set.] MR. SLATE: And now, it's time for me to humiliate some poor schmucks from the audience. Let's see now. Which couple out there would be the easiest targets? You! [Mr. Slate points to the audience. Camera leads in onto Fred and Wilma.] WILMA: Fred! That's us! We're gonna be on TV! FRED: (disgruntled) Oh boy! I knew I shoulda stayed home! MR. SLATE: Come on, slowpokes! We haven't got all day! Let's see some hustle! WILMA: Isn't this exciting? FRED: (voice dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, I'm tingling all over! [Snagglepuss drags Fred and Wilma down the aisle to the stage, where they stand behind smaller podiums on either side of Mr. Slate's podium.] MR. SLATE: Face the cameras, you ninnies! Now, tell us a little bit about yourselves, as if I cared! WILMA: I'm Wilma Flintstone, and this is my husband, Fred! We live in... MR. SLATE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can skip the details of your miserable lives! Let's get to the good stuff. Namely, humiliating you two in front of a huge television audience! [Audience cheers.] MR. SLATE: So, Flintstone, I hear you've been getting even fatter than usual lately. Isn't that true, Wilma? WILMA: Well, he is a little pudgy. MR. SLATE: Pudgy? Let's be honest, Wilma, Fred's a virtual Shamoo. A disgusting avalanche of flab! [Audience laughs.] FRED: (peeved) Yeah. Heh heh heh. Very funny. MR. SLATE: It looks like the fat farm for this stupid cartoon marraige, eh? [Audience cheers.] MR. SLATE: Tell me, Wilma, do you watch "Bedrockvale"? WILMA: Never miss it! MR. SLATE: Of course you don't. It's BTV's #1 medical series, featuring those Hanna- Barbera favorites, George and Jane Jetson, diet and weight loss specialists par excelance. Wilma, you should seriously consider sending Fred there to shed some excess pounds. WILMA: Gee, I don't know. I... MR. SLATE: Great! Then it's settled! Fred goes off to Bedrockvale right after the show! [Audience cheers. Camera flashes to reaction shot from a stunned Fred, then over to Shaggy's Snack Stand.] GAZOO: Jetson, Jetson. BETTY: They used to have a very popular cartoon series together. It's rerun constantly around the world. Mr. Slate bought up all the syndication rights and had the whole family shipped to Bedrock to be on "Bedrockvale." GAZOO: I never watch such video refuse! [Camera pans back to "Marraige Mess."] MR. SLATE: There's only one way to transform Fred from a bloated buffoon to a lean, mean fighting machine. You know what it is! [Snagglepuss holds up "Bedrockvale" sign.] AUDIENCE: Bedrockvale!!!! MR. SLATE: Yabba dabba doo! Don't go away! We'll be right back after these commercial messages. SNAGGLEPUSS: Great, Mr. Slate! Hey, I made a rhyme! A poem even! MR. SLATE: Nice going, Wilma! Shipping Fred off to the fat farm was the best decision you ever made! WILMA: Uh, well, I... FRED: Now listen here, Wilma! I am not goin' off to no fat farm and that is final! Do you hear me? F-I-N-L-E, final! WILMA: But, Fred, if you don't go, we'll be the laughingstocks of Bedrock. FRED: I do NOT need to go on a diet! [Fred sits down on a chair. It collapses under his weight, sending Fred crashing to the floor.] MR. SLATE: I guess you just need stronger furniture, huh, fatso? [Audience laughs.] WILMA: All you ever do is humiliate me. I've made up my mind. You're going to Bedrockvale! [Music begins. Snagglepuss wheels out a TV monitor on which Fred and Wilma can watch the commercials. During this song, the male announcer can be during Fred and Wilma's verses. In such cases, his lines are in parentheses. The items mentioned by Fred and Wilma are demonstrated on- screen.] MALE ANNOUNCER: It looks like Fred and Wilma are in a real mess here on "Marraige Mess." FRED: Dear granite (Don't take your home for granite.) Why can't life turn out like I plan it? Oh, lava (Last of the red hot lavas.) Don't you put the burn on me (Lookee here!) Sand, clay, and gravel, my life is gonna quickly unravel Harpin' in the tarpit and moanin' in the quarry all night (Hey, Mr. Sandman!) Dear sandstone (Get stoned on this!) Why does my home life have a bland tone? Oh, quartzite (A little quartzite is always right!) Don't you put the warts on me Feldspar and gravel, my life is gonna quickly unravel (Igneous is ingenious!) Harpin' in the tarpit and moanin' in the quarry all night WILMA: Evenings at home are what I dread Until he's fed, Fred turns awfully mean It's quite a scene (Try a twist of lime this time) Limestone, calico, and gravel, my life is gonna quickly unravel Harpin' in the tarpit and moanin' in the quarry all night [Mr. Slate walks across the set.] Lovely garnet (Visit the garnet district.) Oh, won't you help me now, gosh darn it? Oh, boulder (Try something a little bolder!) Don't you get a crush on me! Shale, slate, and gravel, my life is gonna quickly unravel Harpin' in the tarpit and moanin' in the quarry all night [Bam-Bam (a muscular lad with platinum hair) walks on to the set pushing a wheelchair. Background music continues.] MALE ANNOUNCER: And now, back to "Marriage Mess." You "Bedrockvale" viewers have already recognized our guest star, no doubt. And now, Mr. Slate! MR. SLATE: Hey, folks, it's Bam-Bam from "Bedrockvale." [Mr. Slate extends his hand to Bam-Bam for a handshake. Bam-Bam grabs his hand and starts thrashing him around before letting go.] BAM-BAM: How ya doin', Mr. Slate? MR. SLATE: (looking at his red, swollen hand) That's some grip you got there, kid. BAM-BAM: Thanks. I've come to take Mr. Flintstone to the fat farm. MR. SLATE: Fred will lose excess fat, there's no doubt about that! [Audience cheers.] BAM-BAM: I hope he's not gone for long. WILMA: Oh no. Just a little finetuning. MR. SLATE: Just a little finetuning, eh viewers? [Crowd laughs. Wilma sings one last verse.] WILMA: Please help me, gravel, my life is just about to unravel Harpin' in the tarpit and moanin' in the quarry all night [Bam-Bam picks Fred up and carries him off the set. Wilma follows.] FRED: Hey, put me down, ya big ape! MALE ANNOUNCER: Well, it looks like another happy ending thanks to Mr. Slate and "Marriage Mess." [Background music continues as Bam-Bam, Fred, and Wilma disappear backstage.] MR. SLATE: Another marriage saved! [Music stops, cameras turn off, and Mr. Slate turns to Snagglepuss.] MR. SLATE: ...One million more to go. ["Bedrockvale" opening credits.] SHOW ANNOUNCER: Bedrockvale: Fresh Blood. Introducing Fred and Wilma Flintstone. [Camera to George and Jane Jetson (two suburban types in futuristic green outfits) in the Bedrockvale office.] GEORGE: Hey, it's Mr. and Mrs. Flintstone. Nice to see ya. I'm Dr. George Jetson, and this is my wife and -- uh, co-worker Dr. Jane Jetson. JANE: We understand your husband has a bit of a weight problem. FRED: Now, hold on one cotton-pickin' minute! I am NOT overweight! Sure, I enjoy a good meal as much as the next guy, but... [Bam-Bam forces a turkey drumstick into Fred's mouth, muffling him. Fred begins gnawing at the drumstick.] WILMA: Oh, Fred! How can you eat at a time like this? GEORGE: Does Fred pig out like this often? WILMA: I'm afraid so. All the time. GEORGE: Too bad. Then there's not a lot of hope. But we'll do our best. JANE: If anyone can help Fred lose those extra pounds, we can. [Nurse Pebbles (a bubbly redhead) steps into the room.] WILMA: Pebbles! What are you doing here? PEBBLES: I work here, Mom. Bam-Bam got me the job. JANE: Please, Nurse Pebbles, attend to Mr. Flintstone. [Pebbles pulls the drumstick out of Fred's mouth.] PEBBLES: Sorry to have to do this to ya, Dad. [She places a gag over Fred's mouth.] GEORGE: Now, Mrs. Flintstone, if you'll just sign the contract we'll be all set. WILMA: Can I do that later please? My hand's all cramped up today from...er, never mind. JANE: Uh, sure you can sign the contract later, I guess. [Fred, Wilma, Pebbles, and Bam-Bam leave the room.] PEBBLES: (whispering) Don't sign anything yet, Mom. [George and Jane rush out of the office after Wilma.] GEORGE: Mrs. Flintstone! I need a little more information. Does Fred have any other relatives with weight disorders? WILMA: Yes, his whole family's porky. Can you leave me alone for awhile? JANE: Sure thing. [Jane cuffs George across the face.] WILMA: Why did you tell me not to sign anything? PEBBLES: I've read ahead in the script. Trust me, you're better off this way. [Camera shifts to Fairly Flatstone, who is watching the proceedings on a video screen in his office. Fairly looks uncannily like Fred, except he has his hair slicked back and wears an all white outfit. Cut to "Marriage Mess" set, where Slate is questioning "Battle Ax" and Captain Caveman.] MR. SLATE: As Wilma's mother and stepfather, this should be a cinch. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Me know nothing 'bout Fred! "BATTLE AX": Pipe down, Cavey. Now read the last clue, Slate. MR. SLATE: Your last clue is...Flabby pectorals. You've got 30 seconds. [Clock superimposed in lower right-hand corner begins to tick away the seconds.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Flabby pecs, huh? "BATTLE AX": His whole family were real pigs. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Oh yeah. Me forget. "BATTLE AX": I hadn't. I was worried about inherited flabbiness when they got hitched. MR. SLATE: Which reminds us of...? MALE ANNOUNCER: Today's grand prize, Mr. Slate, which is a starring role in that moldy old series, "Comfy Caves" with unlimited use of a new garbage disposal. [Camera pans over to the disposal, which is merely a bloated warthog munching on garbage. Back to "Marriage Mess" set. Time has almost run out when at last, Wilma's mother says...] "BATTLE AX": Eating disorders? MR. SLATE: That's right! You win! "BATTLE AX": I won! I won! CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: You won! You won! SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "She won! She won!" MR. SLATE: Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Caveman of Bedrock! They'll be spending the rest of their natural lives in the recesses of the "Comfy Caves" set! [Captain Caveman is shown jumping up and down, waving his club in the air. Scene shifts to Farily in his office pointing to the screen and laughing. Scene then shifts to Dentonvale office, where Mr. Slate and Jane are watching a replay of the "Marriage Mess" episode on a tiny TV set. George is doing some filing. On the screen, "Battle Ax" is screaming, "I won! I won!"] MR. SLATE: She won! She won! Eating disorders! JANE: That's our area of expertise! MR. SLATE: Not only that, but it's your specialty, too! GEORGE: (underwhelmed) Yeah. Great job, Slate. MR. SLATE: Well, I can't take all the credit for shipping Fred off to Bedrockvale. GEORGE: No, of course. There's Wilma. But if she was so eager to dump old Fred on us, why wouldn't she sign the contract? It doesn't make sense. MR. SLATE: You don't understand. It wasn't Wilma's decision. It was actually your new sponsor, Fairly Flatrock. GEORGE: (stunned) New sponsor Farily Flatrock?!? MR. SLATE: Yeah. He just bought Bedrockvale. GEORGE: Just bought Bedrockvale?!? MR. SLATE: Is there an echo in here? Yeah, he bought Bedrockvale! GEORGE: Of all the dirty, rotten, lousy, stinkin'... JANE: Now, George, don't lose your temper. [George's face turns red. Smoke comes out his ears. Scene shifts to Bedrockvale's Terminally Fat Ward. Pebbles has just left. Fred, still wearing the gag, is chained to a treadmill machine. A piece of pizza is dangled from the ceiling on a string just out of Fred's reach. He keeps "running" after the pizza, apparently not realizing he's going nowhere on the treadmill and will never catch up with the pizza. Fred is sweaty and looks exhausted. Music begins. Wilma sings to Fred while circling around the treadmill machine. Fairly watches from his office on his wall of monitors.] WILMA: (sings) If only your waist wasn't so gigantic If only your butt weren't so large If you could bend down And touch your toenails Then you just might not be mistaken for a small barge If you can't lose weight then I am so sorry I fed you Guess my cooking was making you fat I guess I should've known I was killing your heart when I used Crisco And bacon grease by the vat So don't tell me you're "big boned" You and I both know what that really means No, don't make excuses You can't make excuses When your clothes burst apart at the seams It's so hard to smile When your spouse weighs 250 We're like the "Stone Age" Homer and Marge But if you stay fat and still eat like an army You can bet you'll be mistaken You can bet you'll be mistaken You can bet you'll be mistaken For a small barge For a small barge For a small barge For a small barge [Music stops. Wilma arrives at the "Comfy Caves" set. "Battle Ax" walks out to greet her] "BATTLE AX": (getting Wilma in a bear hug) There, there, honey! That Fred was a no- good bum from the start! You're better off without him. WILMA: (unable to breathe) Oommph! Ugh! "BATTLE AX": Exactly. (finally lets go of Wilma, who gives a sigh of relief) Here's something to take your mind off that worthless husband of yours. (hands Wilma what appears to be a pink fur coat) Isn't this lovely? I swiped it from the "Marriage Mess" set. SNAGGLEPUSS: Hey, lady, I'm no coat! I'm the floor manager, for crying out loud! ["Battle Ax" screams and drops Snaggplepuss, who hurredly dashes off.] SNAGGLEPUSS: (off screen) Exit, stage left! "BATTLE AX": Sorry about the coat, dear. WILMA: Oh that's all right. I'm allergic to fur anyway. At least that's what Fred tells me. "BATTLE AX": He'd say anything in order to get out of buying you a decent fur coat. But never mind him. Come on inside! We'll watch "Bedrockvale" together while I do your hair. That'll cheer you up. ["Battle Ax" closes the door. Scene switches to Terminally Fat ward. Bam-Bam exits. Nurse Pebbles removes Fred's gag temporarily to stuff a rice cake in his mouth. Fairly is still watching Fred on the monitor. Switch to a monitor showing opening titles for "Comfy Caves." The female announcer introduces the show.] FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Comfort began with the cavemen, and how better to illustrate this than with another episode of "Comfy Caves." With guest star Wilma Flintstone! [Scene swiches back to Wilma's mother's kitchen. "Battle Ax" pours coffee for herself and Wilma as a coffee maker ad is shown on a small TV set, which is perched atop the kitchen counter. During this scene, the voices of the commercial announcers and George and Jane from "Bedrockvale" can be heard in the background, coming from the TV. Somehow, the people on the TV set seem to be commentating upon this scene. George and Jane's lines are indented to seperate them from the regular dialogue.] MALE ANNOUNCER: Tired of coffee that tastes like a cro-magon bathed in it? Then replace that old perc with a genuine Mr. Coffeerock. You'll be glad you did. [Pan to the audience, who are snoozing during this particularly dull episode of "Comfy Caves." Wilma's voice is heard over the PA system.] WILMA: Thanks for the java, Mom. [Pan back to the kitchen. The camera is focused on the back door. Captain Caveman enters, picking insects out of his fur.] FEMALE ANNOUNCER: When that caveman of yours stumbles through your door with a hankering for a cold beverage, make sure there's a can of can of Knuckledragger Lite beer in the freezer. [Finding nothing to drink in the refrigerator, Captain Caveman practices his battle skills by swinging his club at a light bulb dangling from the ceiling. "Battle Ax" has now styled Wilma's hair into a dreary, sensible bun, much like the one "Battle Ax" herself sports. Capt. Caveman speaks with his usual broken English. Interestingly, he sings with perfect grammar.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: You stop bother her. She not kid no more! "BATTLE AX": Oh, can it, Cavey. She needed a new look. WILMA: Well, it sure is different. "BATTLE AX": I copied it from a movie... GEORGE'S VOICE: "The Bride of Frankenstein" "BATTLE AX": Sharon Stone used it in her last picture. GEORGE'S VOICE: Not a pretty picture. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Damn it, honey! No one care! JANE'S VOICE: I couldn't care less. "BATTLE AX": Don't you dare start a fight with me, Cavey. GEORGE'S VOICE: I wouldn't dare. "BATTLE AX": I know ju jitsu. JANE'S VOICE: Hiiii-yaaa!!!! CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Wilma got no one to look pretty for. "BATTLE AX": She's got Fred. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Like me said, she got no one to look pretty for. GEORGE'S VOICE: Absolutely no one. WILMA: I feel sorry for Fred. JANE'S VOICE: The big loser. "BATTLE AX": I don't. I'm glad he's gone. [George laughs.] "BATTLE AX": At least this got him off that damned couch! GEORGE'S VOICE: Well, at least... "BATTLE AX": And at least he didn't wind up like that Huckleberry Hound. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: What you talk about? Huckleberry Hound is great cartoon character! [George and Jane laugh.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: He go on hiatus for ... retooling. "BATTLE AX": He's been retooled all right. JANE'S VOICE: Just the right tool. "BATTLE AX": He had a sex change operation. Now, he wants to be called Henrietta Hound. GEORGE'S VOICE: What a pretty name. WILMA: Yeah. The operation was peformed in Sweden. [Capt. Caveman frowns, completely misses his target, snaps his club in two, and storms toward the door.] JANE'S VOICE: Don't be a jerk! GEORGE'S VOICE: I'm NOT being a jerk! CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Me go outside now and do some yard work. [Capt. Caveman slams the door behind him.] MALE ANNOUNCER: "Bedrockvale" will be right back after these messages. "BATTLE AX": I wouldn't have said that. WILMA: Well, why the heck not? "BATTLE AX": Your father hates the Swedes. [Scene changes to a shot of the crowd. Wilma's mother's last line is repeated over the PA.] AUDIENCE: Me too!!!! [Music begins as the scene switches to the "Comfy Caves" garage door opening up. Capt. Caveman storms out and starts smashing the scenery.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: (sings) A caveman should be rough Have some guts And all that stuff A caveman won't complain 'Bout some minor pain Cavemen are always macho As they scarf down beer and nachos Cavemen can sit through football In the pouring rain [Switch to shot of audience, as various groups stand up to sing.] SOLDIERS: When you're brainless Life's painless Ignorance is bliss HOUSEWIVES: Life has no meaning When you're always cleaning It's demeaning HUSBANDS: Hey, what's so bad about this? AUDIENCE: In Bedrock, the women are treated like slaves SOLDIERS: Be clever HUSBANDS: Don't ever [Camera goes back to Captain Caveman.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Let 'em out of the cave [Capt. Caveman puts on hard hat and starts up jackhammer, which he uses to bore holes in the floor.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: A caveman swings a club And talks with guys Down at the pub A caveman wouldn't shave Off the hair back there [He points to the hair on his back.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Cavemen know the right occasions To cause bodily abrasions Cavemen have awful manners 'Cause they just don't care Cavemen are brave men Thank God I'm no wimp! [As he sings this last verse, Capt. Caveman salutes, and the garage door closes to reveal the Hanna Barbera logo. Scene switches to Bedrockvale conference room. Nurse Pebbles wheels in a cart of coconuts and bananas. George, Jane, and Mr. Slate are sitting at the table.] MR. SLATE: Well, Mrs. Jetson, I'll have to say that meal was almost edible. JANE: Coming from you, that's quite a compliment. GEORGE: Now that Flatstone has taken over, we'll probably have to gag on his bronto-burgers from now on. MR. SLATE: Flatstone is the bronto-burger king, as we shall see. [Slate presses a button on a remote control. Bam-Bam wheels in a TV set.] MR. SLATE: "Bedrockvale" will be re-run forever now that Flatstone has taken an interest in weight loss. JANE: Our field!! [Scene switches to Research Lab. Gazoo and Betty are sitting at their desks, talking.] GAZOO: Y'know, I have a feeling that this is some kind of plot twist. BETTY: Plot twist? (giggle, giggle) GAZOO: Did I stutter? BETTY: Why do you say that? GAZOO: Well, the writers can be pretty cruel when they want to be. Remember Grape Ape? He was exported to a foreign market and never seen again! BETTY: Sounds like my ex-husband, Barney -- (giggle, giggle) -- I never saw him again, either. [Gazoo chuckles.] BETTY: Nope, not once Fairly let him star in that burger ad. You remember -- "Where's the meat?" GAZOO: Ah yes. You know, I find it ironic that Fairly's diet and fitness special is being financed through the sale of billions of greasy bronto-burgers. (chuckles) [Scene shifts back to Bedrockvale conference room.] MR. SLATE: Guess who came up with the next episode? [Slate hands Jane a script titled "The Fred and Wilma Show."] GEORGE: (sarcastically) Hmmm. Let's see. Cary Granite? MR. SLATE: No, you moron -- Fairly! He wants to make sure Wilma is free to star in his "Fat Factory" show. JANE: Wilma? But why? MR. SLATE: Everyone's a sucker for a redhead, including Fairly. JANE: I'll say! [Slate and Jane burst out laughing. Slate sprays banana bits all over George, who again turns bright red with anger. Scene shifts back to research lab. There's a knock at the door.] BETTY: It's unlocked! (giggle, giggle) [Barney Rubble enters the room.] BARNEY: Hey there, Betty! GAZOO: Hello, dum dum. BETTY: Hi, Barney. BARNEY: I just came to drop this off. [Barney hands Betty and envelope.] BETTY: Why thank you, Barney! BARNEY: Think nuttin' of it, Betty. [Daphne enters.] DAPHNE: Hi all. GAZOO: Hello. BARNEY: Hiya, toots. BETTY: (gritting her teeth) Hello, Daphne. BARNEY: We'd better be shovin' off. Fairly's got us bustin' our humps. GAZOO: Uh-huh. Sounds like Fairly, all right. BARNEY: Yup. GAZOO: Uh-huh. BARNEY: Guess we'd better let you two get back to your work. BETTY: I'd appreciate that. So long. GAZOO: Farewell. DAPHNE: Auf Wiedersehen. BARNEY: Good-bye. GAZOO: Get lost, dum dums! [Barney and Daphne shuffle out, closing the door behind them. Betty gets up from her desk, opens the door, and calls to Barney.] BETTY: (sweetly) Oh, Barney! BARNEY: Yeah, Betty? BETTY: (suddenly nasty) I hope you're gored by a T. Rex! BARNEY: Oh I hope you are too, Betty! [Betty slams the door and returns to her desk.] BETTY: Marriage is just another word for slavery. [She opens the envelope, reads its contents, and looks stunned.] BETTY: Plot twist is right! "Bedrock Briefing" has been... (faints) GAZOO: Cancelled. [We see the "Bedrockvale" opening credits and hear the show's instrumental theme song.] SHOW ANNOUNCER: "Bedrockvale." Special guest star: Wilma Flintstone. [George and Jane chime "Wilma!" simultaneously as Wilma enters the conference room.] WILMA: I think I should see Fred. JANE: He's not much to look at. He's drooling like a baby. GEORGE: You're the one who interests us, Wilma. JANE: Yes, Wilma, are you happy? WILMA: I guess so. GEORGE: If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. JANE: And your face just isn't showing it. WILMA: What? That doesn't make sense. MR. SLATE: Neither does the rest of this movie, but that hasn't stopped us so far. Maybe this next musical number will make things clear. [Mr. Slate turns on the TV, where we see Fairly Flatstone.] FAIRLY: And a big Bedrock welcome to my new underlings...er, partners. This is Fairly, and I'm here with a song. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy it. It's only about three minutes long. [Peppy music begins. For this song, Mr. Slate stands behind Wilma. Wilma sits in a chair and watches the TV set. George, Jane, Bam-Bam, and Pebbles dance around the TV set and sing the chorus.] FAIRLY: (sings) Oh why aren't they making Tomorrow's cartoon shows The way they used to years ago? And who watches "Ruff 'n' Ready" any more? And if you think that cartoon shows Aren't subject to change You'd better find a new line of work Because we work in show biz where nothing's sure CHORUS: You're not just looking at a burger king Just another cartoon dope You're not looking at Don King or anything FAIRLY: I'm gonna conquer the Earth Take it for all it's worth There's no limit to my evil and its scope CHORUS: You don't wanna be a king! FAIRLY: I wanna be the Pope! Ooooh, I've made cash From selling that trash To a public that loves greasy food But that's not quite enough for a greedy jerk like me I'm gonna live my dream And hatch a scheme Oh, it's gonna be low-down and crude I'll be the richest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen CHORUS: You're not just looking at a burger king Just another cartoon dope You're not looking at Don King or anything FAIRLY: I'm gonna conquer the Earth Take it for all it's worth There's no limit to my evil and its scope CHORUS: You don't wanna be a king! FAIRLY: No no no no no! I wanna be the Pope! CHORUS: He wants to be the Pope FAIRLY: I wanna be the gosh darn Pope CHORUS: He wants to be the Pope FAIRLY: I wanna be the Pope CHORUS: He wants to be the Pope FAIRLY: I wanna be the Po-o-o-o-ope! [Music ends.] JANE: I admire people with ambition, don't you? FAIRLY: (speaking) Make some bucks, Wilma. Don't be a schmuck, Wilma. Good- bye and good luck -- Wilma. WILMA: Well, Fairly Flatstone is -- fairly flabby. [Wilma chuckles and then stands.] WILMA: And speaking of flabby, I think I should look in on Fred. JANE: I don't think that's such a good idea. Fred has been saying some pretty nasty things about you. WILMA: He has?!? GEORGE: His behavior is typical of a "junk food junkie" suffering withdrawal symptoms. WILMA: Oh dear me! [Wilma begins to sob.] GEORGE: Don't blame yourself, Wilma. JANE: Yes, Wilma, it's not your fault Fred's a pig. WILMA: Does he resent me because I'm so thin and he's so fat? MR. SLATE: Not at all, Mrs. Flintstone. Quite the reverse! Fred wants to see you get fit and trim. JANE: And by going on Fairly's "Fat Factory" show, you can give him what he wants. WILMA: (pondering the possibilities) Is that so? [Scene switches to the Terminally Fat Ward. Pebbles is just leaving and Bam-Bam makes sure Fred is chained to the treadmill. Fred continue "pursuing" the pizza, but at a much slower rate. Scene switches to Fairly watching on his TV. Scene then switches to Betty and Gazoo in the research lab, packing up their belongings.] SNAGGLEPUSS: (over PA system) Places! Places everybody! BETTY: I'll bet Daphne's to blame for this. We'll probably be replaced by re- runs of "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?" GAZOO: Don't get paranoid, Betty. BETTY: Me paranoid? You're the one with theories about plot twists, and you're calling me paranoid?!? (suddenly gets an idea) Hey, Gazoo! GAZOO: Yeah? BETTY: You got a date tonight? (giggle, giggle) [Scene switches to Bedrockvale conference room. George and Jane are reading scripts. Slate taps his cane on the glass-top table, accidentally shattering it.] MR. SLATE: Uh, sorry about that! I think we all need some sleep! Tomorrow's a big, big day, what with Fairly Flatstone's "Fat Factory" coming on and all. WILMA: Well, withdrawal symptoms or not, I still wanna see Fred before I leave. MR. SLATE: Leave? WILMA: You know, leave! Vamoose! Scram! Blow this joint! JANE: But you can't leave! Uh, this is home base. Besides, the budget on this show is so low, we don't have any other backdrops. You'll have to sleep here tonight. GEORGE: And you can see Fred tomorrow morning, although you may not want to eat breakfast afterwards. MR. SLATE: Breakfast? [Enter Nurse Pebbles and Bam-Bam.] JANE: Did you make the beds? PEBBLES: Check! JANE: Puff up the pillows? PEBBLES: Check! JANE: Put George's teddy bear on the bed? [George is visibly embarrassed.] PEBBLES: Check! GEORGE: Then get out of here! PEBBLES: (saluting) You're the boss, boss. [Exit Pebbles and Bam-Bam. Scene shifts to outside the studio. Ranger Smith is patrolling the area. The camera moves up onto a fire escape where Gazoo and Betty are entering.] GAZOO: How'd you know about this spot, Betty? BETTY: Barney and I used to go here before we were married to...uh, never mind. I thought spying on the Jetsons would give your plot twist theory a new spin. GAZOO: They're a modern stone age family, indeed! [Gazoo begins to float on air.] BETTY: Oh! I adore Barbera Hanna! In fact... [She rummages through her purse and finds a crumpled up piece of paper. She begins reciting aloud as if reading great poetry.] BETTY: Flintstones -- meet the Flintstones They're a modern stone age family From the -- town of Bedrock They're a page right out of... ...history (giggle, giggle) [Gazoo forces a smile. Scene changes to Wilma brushing her teeth, as Pebbles waits in the back by the door. Wilma spits out toothpaste as tranquil music begins. This song is seen through the windows of Bedrockvale. As each character is singing, we "peep in" on what is going on just before they go to sleep. The rooms contain (from l to r): Pebbles & Bam-Bam; Wilma; Mr. Slate; and George & Jane. The first room we peak in on is George & Jane's. Jane is wearing a flimsy nightgown and trying to get George's attention by striking seductive poses. George is too busy cuddling his teddy bear to notice her.] JANE: I love that moronic grin And that stubble on your chin You're a hunk! GEORGE: I'm a hunk? JANE: You're a real-life Don Juan George, you really turn me on You're a hunk GEORGE: I'm a hunk? JANE: You're such a stud GEORGE: Such a stud? JANE: It may sound corny Like Elmer Fudd GEORGE: Like Elmer Fudd??? JANE: You make me horny GEORGE: Oh, romance is really not my bag JANE: Boy, I'm tellin' you, George Sometime's you're such a drag [Camera goes by Slate's window. Slate is hanging upside-down from the ceiling like a bat. (He's blind, get it?) Camera goes to Wilma's window.] WILMA: Life alone Has been a breeze Living without Fred is great WHISPERING VOICE: Get some Z's! WILMA: I'm so happy being single Maybe I'll go out and mingle [Camera shifts to Pebbles and Bam-Bam. Bam-Bam is taking Polarock snapshots of Pebbles in her nightie.] PEBBLES: Sleep tight. BAM-BAM: Sleep tight. PEBBLES: Let's get some shuteye We're nearly halfway through the plot Let's get through this draggy song, which ain't so hot AUDIENCE: Sleep tight Let's get some shuteye We're nearly halfway through the plot Let's get through this draggy song, which ain't so hot [During this last verse, the camera pans right, showing all the rooms. It goes past George and Jane's room to show Fred slumped over his treadmill. As the music fades out, the scene shifts to the Audience, who have fallen asleep in their chairs. Once the music has ended, the scene shifts to the fire escape balcony, where Gazoo and Betty are. Gazoo is sound asleep and a weary Betty is still reciting. Ranger Smith is still patrolling the area.] BETTY: When you're -- with the Flintstones Have a Yabba Dabba Doo time A Dabba Doo time We'll have a gay old time. [Ranger Smith finds something and turns on the light, which wakes Gazoo and startles Betty. He holds up a plate of of gigantic ribs, like those seen in the "Flintstones" credits.] RANGER SMITH: Hey, lady, do these belong to you? [Betty screams. Scene shifts to Mr. Slate's room. His alarm clock (which consists of a sun dial and a small bird) reaches 6:45, and the bird begins to squawk. Slate wakes up, falls to the ground from his perch, and turns off the clock by smashing the bird with his fist.] BIRD: (a little dazed) I hate this job. [Slate stumbles out into the hall, finding his way around with his cane. He sets out to find Janet. First he checks her room and then the bathroom.] MR. SLATE: Mrs. Flintstone! Mrs. Flintstone! Are you naked? [Slate enters the bathroom. Wilma is in the shower, where a wooly mammoth is spraying her with water through its trunk. We can only see Wilma's outline through the shower curtain. Slate's glasses begin to fog up, and he wipes them clean with his hands. As he does this, Jane enters the room.] JANE: Yabba dabba doo, Mr. Slate! I'm glad to see you're awake. (shouting to Wilma) George is waiting for you in the costume department. WILMA: Great! [Slate's glasses fog up again.] JANE: (to Slate) Would you like to have some cave coffee with me? [Slate nods. Scene shifts to Terminally Fat Ward. Pebbles is leaving. Bam-Bam has just finished chaining Fred to a rowing machine, again using the dangling pizza as a motivator. Fred rows with renewed vigor in a vain attempt at reaching the pizza. Scene shifts to the cluttered costume department. Dozens of props from the movie and its predecessor, "The Bedrocky Horror Picture Show," are scattered throughout the room. George is walking around in a leopard-skin jacket over his normal green uniform, all the while reading a rough draft of the script. He pauses, then casually drops the jacket to the floor. Wilma, wearing a bathrobe over her nightgown, walks into the room and looks around.] WILMA: Hello? (still doesn't see George) Anyone here? [George appears, holding a full length mirror in which Wilma can see her reflection.] GEORGE: Oooh, Mrs. Flintstone! You're quite the fox! Hubba hubba! WILMA: How nice of you to say so, Dr. Jetson. Fred never compliments me anymore. GEORGE: Oh, he will -- believe me! Fairly's given you that chance. You can repay the favor this morning by plugging Fairly's bronto burgers on "Wake Up, Bedrock!" WILMA: Do I really have star potential? GEORGE: Oh, you sure do! WILMA: But I have nothing to say! GEORGE: Who cares? WILMA: I can't even do anything with my hair! GEORGE: Now THERE'S a problem I can solve! [Music begins.] GEORGE: (sings) Ever since I was a little brat Doing hair has been the skill that I'm best at So if you want to have some style And be sexy all the while Just sport a bright red, drop-dead, "kiss me Fred" big old bouffant [George sits Wilma down in a chair and begins working furiously on her hair.] Well, first you go spray, spray, spray Then you should pray, pray, pray 'Cause if your hair won't stay, stay, stay You'll have a dismal hair day, day, day But I must say, say, say It's flashy, trashy -- all a girl could want Folks say, "Hey, hey hey... Check out that big old bouffant!" [Once George is finished with Wilma's hair, he hands her a mirror. She looks at her formidable new hairstyle and seems quite pleased.] WILMA: Ah, yabba dabba doo! [Scene shifts to Mr. Slate and Jane going into Wilma's dressing room. They head toward a wine bucket, and Slate pours each of them a glass of wine.] MR. SLATE: Ever since I was too young and small to mention It was those big hairstyles Which captured my attention But the one I loved the most To which I propose this toast Is that gigantic, frantic, Titanic-sized big old bouffant [Slate and Jane drink their wine. Slate dribbles a bit down his chin. Just then, George and Wilma emerge from behind a screen. Wilma is now wearing a flashy dress, but her new hairstyle is obviously the focus of attention.] GEORGE: Not bad, eh? [Slate and Jane are stunned by Wilma's hairdo.] WILMA: Well, first you go spray, spray, spray Then you should pray, pray, pray 'Cause if your hair won't stay, stay, stay You'll have a dismal hair day, day, day [Wilma climbs up on a table and begins dancing and breaking things.] WILMA: But I must say, say, say It's flashy, trashy -- all a girl could want Folks say, "Hey, hey hey... Check out that big old bouffant! That distasteful (distasteful) Non-graceful (non-graceful) So wasteful -- big old bouffant JANE: You said it, child Those big hairstyles Just drive us wild MR. SLATE: You said it, child Those big hairstyles Just drive us wild JANE & SLATE: You said it, child Those big hairstyles Just drive us wild WILMA: That distasteful (distasteful) Non-graceful (non-graceful) So wasteful -- big old bouffant [Music stops. Scene shifts to studio floor. Snagglepuss is trying to wake up the slumbering audience members. Josie and the Pussycats (an all- girl rock trio in cat costumes) pass behind him, holding instruments.] SNAGGLEPUSS: (whistles) Wake up, Bedrock! It's morning! Daylight even! Let's give Wilma a big, big round of applause when she gets here, OK? [Audience cheers as Wilma, George, Jane, and Slate dance their way down the stairs. We hear a brief, spirited instrumental coda to the last song. A crowd has gathered at the bottom of the stairs to greet them.] JUDY: Oh, Wilma, you're the maximum utmost! We've got the Way-Outs and the Teen Angels standing by for your big number. We've got ice, too. That's for the drinks afterward, though. Oh, by the way, Betty Rubble's on hiatus right now, so Daphne will introduce you. WILMA: (not interested) Yeah. Whatever. [Camera to Betty and Gazoo watching the proceedings from above. Camera to "Wake Up, Bedrock!" set, where Daphne is giving Wilma a not-too-sincere introduction.] DAPHNE: You know her, you love her, you can't live without her... [Scene shifts to screen showing Teen Angels dressed as fast food chain employees.] TEEN ANGELS: (singing) Wilma, Wilma, Wilma, Wilma, Wilma [Soft piano music begins. Wilma is shown singing to a camera.] WILMA: My husband said to me, "I love most bronto-burgers! But there's just one that's best With more beef than the rest!" [Echo on "rest." Wilma looks around, confused. The Teen Angels start dancing away from her. The music shifts into a funky disco mode. We see the entire studio. In the background, the Pussycats are playing next to a big sign that reads: "FAIRLY FLATSTONE'S FATTENING FRIED FOOD." Wilma gyrates suggestively to the music and sings. Throughout the song, Fairly is shown watching the events on his monitor and getting increasingly hungry.] WILMA: Fairly will serve more meat He feels folks deserve more meat He's got a verve for meat You can ask people on the street They'll say, "To be complete, A burger must have more meat" [Snagglepuss passes in front of Wilma, and she crouches down.] TEEN ANGELS: Our burgers have more meat More red meat! [Wilma jumps up from behind monitor. Fairly's stomach grumbles.] WILMA: More meat More red meat More red meat [Wilma throws her hat into the audience. Fairly licks his chops.] WILMA: His burgers have more meat "Mas carne" en espanol, ha ha! More juicy, tender meat Not "scraped off your front fender" meat [Wilma begins trashing band set-up.] WILMA: There's no need to be discreet Scream out if you crave red meat [Fairly's mouth is hanging open, and he is visably drooling.] TEEN ANGELS: His burgers have more meat More red meat [After every line of Wilma's next verse, the scene flashes to Fairly's office to show Fairly going wild with hunger. A thought bubble over his head shows that he is fantasizing about scarfing down bronto burgers. Wilma grabs a tambourine from Josie and begins jammin'.] WILMA: More meat More red meat More red meat More red meat Ohhh, more meat More red meat Ohhh, more meat More red meat! Ole! [Dee Dee the cheerleader knocks over the FAIRLY FLATSTONE sign. Scene shifts back to Fairly's office, where he has given in to his desires and is scarfing down burgers. Camera to Betty, who's leaving her lofty perch. Scene goes back to Daphne, who concludes the segment.] DAPHNE: My, what a..meaty performance! And if you liked that, make sure not to miss Wilma's performance on "Fairly Flatstone's Fat Factory" right here on BTV. [Camera moves back to show Josie getting her tambourine back from Wilma. The other Pussycats walk up to Wilma and quickly congratulate her before walking off. Slate, Jane, and George flock around Wilma.] MR. SLATE: Out of commerce came art! JANE: You revealed your true identity -- the real you, the commercial you. GEORGE: And you'd like to do it again, wouldn't you? WILMA: Yeah, I... [Suddenly, Betty walks up to the group and interrupts their conversation.] BETTY: How's old Fred doing? WILMA: It depends what channel he was watching. [Slate, Jane, and George laugh. Velma walks by and hands Wilma her hat.] WILMA: If he was watching BTV instead of the fights, he should be in the pink! Well, gotta go. See ya around, Betty. [Wilma, Jane, Slate, and George walk off, leaving Betty. George laughs arrogantly in Betty's face, then trips over his shoelaces. Scene switches to Shaggy's Snack Stand. Captain Caveman, "Battle Ax," and Snagglepuss are waiting in line.] SHAGGY: Zoinks!! Wilma was, like, the coolest! A real humdinger! "BATTLE AX": Thanks...I think. SHAGGY: Good thing she didn't get her mother's genes. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: What?!? SHAGGY: Uh, I said she'd look groovy in a pair of jeans! (trying to change the subject) Hey, how's Fred doin' in that fat farm? "BATTLE AX" & CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Okay. [They roll their eyes in disgust. Capt. Caveman grabs his cave coffee, and Shaggy reaches for a box of Scooby Snacks.] SHAGGY: Fred sure is a lucky dog! And speakin' of dogs, how'd ya like a Scooby Snack? CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Uh...no thanks. [Capt. Caveman and "Battle Ax" walk off.] SHAGGY: (to Snagglepuss) Well, I'll give Wilma a Scooby Snack she'll never forget. Know what I mean? [Shaggy nudges Snagglepuss the way Eric Idle would.] SNAGGLEPUSS: I don't get it. [Betty walks up the the Snack Stand.] BETTY: A cup of cave coffee and a dino-donut, Shag. SHAGGY: Like, no way, Betty. Your career is nowheres-ville. [Betty and Gazoo walk over to the research lab.] BETTY: Oh my! What's gotten into everybody? Wilma's peddling bronto-burgers. Fred's on the world's strictest diet. And our show is... [Betty finds that her key no longer opens the door to the lab.] GAZOO: In the crapper? ["Bedrockvale" opening. During this scene, Fairly is shown watching the proceedings on his video screens.] SHOW ANNOUNCER: Bedrockvale! [Scene shifts to the Terminally Fat Ward. "Battle Ax" is dusting. Capt. Caveman is swinging at the light fixtures with his club (which has been glued back together). Fred -- still gagged -- has been chained to a stair-climber and is still trying desperately to reach the pizza.] SHOW ANNOUNCER: The Mission of Pity. Guest starring the overexposed Wilma Flintstone! [Wilma enters ostentaciously.] WILMA: Howdy, Ma. Howdy, Pa. Howdy, Fred, I've just come to tell you how well my merchandise is selling! [Fred grumbles.] "BATTLE AX": Wilma! Where's that dainty little hairstyle I gave you??? WILMA: Oh, George just whipped up this little fire hazzard. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: You practically scraping ceiling! WILMA: You can't compromise the height, Cavey. It spoils the effect. [Fred grumbles more loudly.] "BATTLE AX": My goodness, Wilma. I didn't think I'd ever say this, but I actually feel sorry for Fred. I mean, look at him. Don't you even care? [Enter George, Jane, Slate, Pebbles, and Bam-Bam.] GEORGE: You must be Wilma's kinfolks. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: And you must be quack! GEORGE: Oh really? CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: You treat Fred like pet dinosaur! WILMA: They're merely doing what's best for Fred. MR. SLATE: Yabba dabba doo, Wilma! WILMA: Oooh, Mr. Slate, you Stone Age sweetheart you! [Bedrockvale crew begins applauding Wilma. Wilma and Slate go to sit down on a couch. Capt. Caveman scratches his head.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Me all mixed up! [Wilma and Slate are engaging in phony conversation.] WILMA: You're more fabulous. SLATE: No, YOU'RE more fabulous. [Fred grumbles very loudly. Camera goes to George as he shows Captain Caveman and "Battle Ax" around the Ward.] GEORGE: If we hadn't helped old Fred here, he might've been harpooned by a nearsighted whaler one of these days. JANE: That's right. We're helping Fred to help himself. And in exchange we're helping ourselves to his bank account. Got it? CAVEMAN CAVEMAN: No. Why you keep Fred chained up like animal? JANE: We don't want him to run away. "BATTLE AX": Has he tried to run away? JANE: Uh, yes. Many times. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Then lock doors. JANE: We hadn't thought of that. GEORGE: Hmmm. That might work. [Fairly watches in.] JANE: Bear with us for the time being. We know how confused you must be. [Fairly chuckles.] "BATTLE AX": I'm not confused...am I? CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Me confused. But not about FRED'S treatment. Me confused about "BEDROCK Treatment"! GEORGE: How so? CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Well, is this sequel to "Bedrocky Horror Picture Show" or prequel or spin- off or what? [The Bedrockvale staff look knowingly at each other as music begins.] GEORGE: (sings) It's not a sequel or prequel to "BHPS" It's a completely original flick Please don't get things confused We don't need any more stress Analytic movie critics Panned our schtick JANE: But if you loved the first film, then we hope this'll please ya 'Cause both Fred and Wilma are back Don't listen to critics who try to mislead ya It unnerves us 'cause we don't deserve Such attacks [George walks up to Slate and takes his cane. Wilma takes off Slate's dark glasses. His eyes are exposed to the light. Slate stands up and begins to dance.] GEORGE: It's just another...(ooooh) schlock feature With more cheesy-looking animation Another zany...Bedrock feature It's drawn by Hatians or Croatians or some Asians In some nation where they live on rations [Slate runs into a wall and falls over.] PEBBLES: You bet we'll be broadcast on plenty of stations In a few hundred nations each day With stale "caveman" jokes and some cheap animation No blarney! Fred and Barney's here to stay [Bam-Bam takes pictures of the people on the couch with his Polarock camera.] GEORGE: It's just another...(ooooh) schlock feature With more cheesy-looking animation Another zany...Bedrock feature It's drawn by Hatians or Croatians or some Asians In some nation where they live on rations PEBBLES: Rations, rations GEORGE: It's just another...(ooooh) schlock feature With more cheesy-looking animation Another zany...Bedrock feature It's drawn by Hatians or Croatians or some Asians In some nation where they live on rations PEBBLES: Rations, rations, rations! [Everyone gets up and dances around Fred's stair-climber. Slate has a very difficult time and keeps squinting and pawing at the air with his outstretched arms. Fairly dances in his office. Betty and Gazoo are watching from above.] BETTY: Ohmygosh! Mr. Slate's not blind after all! GAZOO: I wouldn't say that. Look... [George, Jane, Pebbles, Bam-Bam, and Wilma dance out of the Terminally Fat Ward. Slate runs right into the door, then stumbles out. Music stops. Scene switches to the studio floor, where Barney welcomes Wilma to the "Fat Factory" rehearsal. A large picture of Fairley (carved in stone) is being carried in.] BARNEY: Hiya, Wilma! You're just in time for the "Fat Factory" rehearsal. WILMA: Yeah, great. BARNEY: Everybody's lookin' forward to your performance tonight. WILMA: (noticing the carving) Wow! Can I get one of those, too? It would look spiffy on the mantle. BARNEY: Uh, sure, Wilma. I'll get right on it. [Wilma is mobbed by fans. It's quite a hectic scene. Audience chants, "We want Wilma! Not Val Kilmer!" Fairly watches from his office.] WILMA: (blowing kisses) You're fabulous! I love every last one of you! BARNEY: Daphne, why don't you take Wilma someplace safe? DAPHNE: Okay. [The crowd around Wilma gets upset.] CROWD: Aw, shucks! [The crowd follows Wilma as she's led away by Daphne. Amongst the people in the crowd are the Pussycats and the Teen Angels. Dee Dee approaches Barney, who is making his way toward Slate, George, and Jane.] DEE DEE: Can I meet Wilma? BARNEY: Not now, Denise! DEE DEE: (upset) It's Dee Dee, you dolt! [Barney shoos Dee Dee away and grabs Slate's arm.] BARNEY: Can I see you for a second, Mr. Slate? MR. SLATE: Sure thing, Rubble. [Slate, Barney, and Snagglepuss step aside. Camera goes to winding staircase. Audience is still chanting "We want Wilma! Not Val Kilmer!" The Teen Angels and some crew members have followed her. Judy stops Wilma just before she goes upstairs and thrusts a microphone in her face.] JUDY: Uh, Wilma, what will you be presenting on the show tonight? WILMA: Physical Fitness for Today. [Crowd claps.] JOSIE: Golly! [Judy turns to her cameraman, Elroy, and films a brief tag.] JUDY: And that's the word from Wilma Flintstone, BTV's newest stone age sensation! Okay, Elroy, that's enough. [Camera goes behind staircase to show Slate, Barney, and Snagglepuss conspiring.] BARNEY: How's Fred? MR. SLATE: Still quite fat! BARNEY: I heard that! George and Jane don't have a clue? MR. SLATE: Those dummies don't know what to do. BARNEY: Stars like Wilma appear only rarely! MR. SLATE: Let's snitch to Fairly. [Slate pulls an antennae out of his cane to make it a walkie-talkie. Scene shifts to Fairly's office. He gets a buzz on his telephone and picks up.] FAIRLY: Sock it to me. [Scene shifts to Wilma's dressing room. George and Jane are getting plastered at the bar. Daphne is fussing over Wilma. A song can be heard on the radio...] VOICES ON RADIO: (singing) Corn Flakes give me a stomach ache Give me Rice Krispies and I'll be fine [Note: I realize the above has nothing to do with "The Flintstones."] DAPHNE: What else do you want, Wilma? WILMA: New wallpaper. How bout covering the walls in dollar bills? I just LOVE those little pictures of George Washingstone. [Daphne writes something in her notepad and leaves. As the door is opened, we hear the crowd chanting "We want..."] JANE: Don't get carried away, Wilma. Don't forget who you're trying to help. WILMA: Who's that? GEORGE: Fred, of course. WILMA: Y'know, I'm sick of hearing about that virtual Shamoo. I'm gonna be the biggest star Bedrock has seen since Bruce Springstone. You wait and see! But why am I telling this to you? I should be with my loyal fans. [Wilma gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding staircase. The audience is still chanting. The Teen Angels are hovering around the bottom of the stairs. The crowd goes wild when Wilma walks out.] TEEN ANGELS: We love you, Wilma! TAFFY: You go, girl! WILMA: Thanks, I guess. DEE DEE: Hi, my name's Dee Dee. OTHER ANGELS: Denise! DEE DEE: Anyway, I think you're groovy. [Scene shifts to dressing room, where Jane and George are sprinkling some powder onto a bronto-burger intended for Wilma. Scene switches back to the Angels.] BRENDA: I'm Brenda, and this is Taffy. TAFFY: Wow, Wilma, you were just great on "Wake Up, Bedrock!" [Wilma turns her attention away from the Angels and waves to the audience, who go absolutely ape. Jane comes out with the spiked burger.] JANE: This is Wilma. She's a cartoon sensation. [Wilma takes a bite. Music begins as she launches into a brief reprise of her earlier "More Red Meat" song.] WILMA: So if you're lookin' for a burger Then just head on down to Fairly's 'Cause we've got More red meat Oh oh oh! More red meat! [Song comes to an abrupt end as Wilma becomes tipsy and starts staggering around.] JANE: Why don't you come and lie down? [Jane shuffles Wilma back to the dressing room.] DEE DEE: Your hair is real meat...er, neat! [Door closes. Scene shifts to Barney and Daphne being interviewed at the bottom of the stairs by Judy. The Teen Angels pass by, chanting the familiar "We want Wilma!" mantra.] SNAGGLEPUSS: (over PA) Reminder, wardrobe check for "Fat Factory" excercise outfits! Costumes even! DAPHNE: It looks like "Fat Factory" is going to be BTV's biggest hit ever! BARNEY: And it'll bring in some dough, too! JUDY: Forget that stuff! What about the clothes! [Camera switches to Betty on the phone. Gazoo is on the phone next to hers.] BETTY: Well, how about that?? [Back to the interview.] DAPHNE: Ah yes. You can expect "Fat Factory" to show off some tired old characters in some spiffy new outfits. JUDY: Wow! That sounds positively cosmic! [Back to Betty and Gazoo.] BETTY: Didja get a load of that, Gazoo? GAZOO: I certainly did, Betty. The false promise of a new series usually means the repackaging of some bloody old characters. [Back to the interview.] BARNEY: No, I don't know what Wilma's favorite color is, but I do know one thing. She'll be on "Fat Factory" tonight here on BTV! JUDY: Thanks, Barney. And that's the word from Barney Rubble and Daphne. [Camera on Betty and Gazoo near a sign pointing toward the wardrobe room.] BETTY: Oh, dear, Gazoo. GAZOO: Yes, Betty? BETTY: Whatever shall we do? GAZOO: Don't sweat it, Betty. I've got a plan. BETTY: A plan? GAZOO: Yes. Let's call it a... SNAGGLEPUSS: (over PA) This is your last warning! GAZOO: ...Costume party. BETTY: What? SNAGGLEPUSS: (over PA) Wardrobe check for "Fat Factory" outfits. Hurry up! Get moving even! ["Bedrockvale" opening.] SHOW ANNOUNCER: Bedrockvale: Cartoon Concerns [Scene shifts to Terminally Fat Ward. Captain Caveman is pacing around the room, holding his club.] "BATTLE AX": Gee, Cavey, I'm concerned. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Me am, too. Who play me in live-action version? Michael J. Rox? "BATTLE AX": Too short. His cape will drag across the floor. [Fred starts groaning.] "BATTLE AX": Stop moaning, Fred. Have another rice cake. [She loosens his gag long enough to shove a rice cake in his mouth.] "BATTLE AX": Too bad you can't be on TV like us! CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: You not worry, Fred. We be back. ["Battle Ax" and Capt. Caveman head for the door.] CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: How 'bout Dustone Hoffman? [Fred groans and passes out. He begins having weird delusions. He imagines Wilma walking into the Ward.] WILMA: I've just come to tell you how well my merchandise is selling. [Fred looks confused. Scene shifts to the dressing room, where Wilma has passed out on the couch with the burger on her hand and a slice of lettuce on her leg. Jane comes by, takes the burger, and eats the lettuce. Wilma begins to hallucinate, too. She sees Mr. Slate's bedroom door opening. Slate is hanging from the ceiling.] SLATE: Let's be honest, Wilma, Fred's a virtual Shamoo! [Slate's door closes. George and Jane's bedroom door opens.] GEORGE: Fred has been saying... JANE: ...Some pretty nasty things about you. [George and Jane laugh hysterically. Their door closes. Another door opens, revealing a TV set where we see a still of Fairly.] FAIRLY: Make some bucks, Wilma. Don't be a schmuck, Wilma. Poverty sucks -- Wilma. [Wilma imagines herself chained to Fred's stair-climber machine. Fred walks in with sweat all over his forehead.] FRED: I've just come to tell you how how well my merchandise is selling. [Lethargic, listless music begins as Wilma imagines herself walking down the hallway outside the Terminally Fat Ward.] WILMA: (sings) I'm on a cartoon hit And I don't wanna quit It's too bad Fred Eats more than Mr. Ed That talking horse I wanna divorce [Door opens, showing Fred on his stair-climber in the Terminally Fat Ward.] FRED: I wanna make up [Door closes.] WILMA: I wanna divorce. I need some young stud I need some young stud I need one now I need some young stud I need some young stud [Door opens, showing the Teen Angels and the Pussycats playing pool. The Angels are dressed like Wilma did at the beginning of the movie. The Pussycats are dressed like Fairly.] TEEN ANGELS & PUSSYCATS: But first lose that husband somehow! WILMA: I need to ditch some freight He's like a two-ton weight His laundry smells so obscene He makes me cook and clean Oooh, got no remorse I wanna divorce [Another door opens, showing Fred rolling around on the pool table.] FRED: I wanna make up [Door closes.] WILMA: I wanna divorce [A door opens, revealing a room where the Angels and Pussycats are playing video games. Wilma is sitting on a table.] WILMA: Oh, when I'm single I'll be sittin' pretty I'll see who I want to and have a good time [Wilma gets off the table and starts playing a video game called "Stone Age Invaders Part 2."] WILMA: But without me, old Fred here Will prob'ly wind up dead here [Wilma abandons the game, and walks to the center of the room.] WILMA: Tell me, campers, what's the answer? [The band members and cheerleaders turn around to sing.] TEEN ANGELS & PUSSYCATS: Don't worry! Fred will be fine! [The door closes, and once again Wilma is walking the halls.] WILMA: I'm on TV tonight I hope my hair's all right Y'know, it's not so bad To be the current fad My career's right on course I wanna divorce [A door opens, revealing Fred on his machine.] FRED: I wanna make up WILMA: I wanna divorce [Wilma finds herself walking outside Bedrockvale. The Pussycats and Teen Angels are leaning up against the wall.] WILMA: I need some young stud I need some young stud I need one now! Ohhhh! I need some young stud I need some young stud I'll lose that fat husband somehow! I wanna divorce! [Wilma ducks down in front of a window, where we can see Fred locked up. Music and dream sequence ends. Back to the dressing room, where Wilma is still asleep on the couch. Jane wakes her up. Crowd is head chanting in the background.] JANE: Wake up, Mrs. Flinstone. You've got company. [The Teen Angels and Josie and the Pussycats (Josie, Valerie, and Melody) enter.] BRENDA: Hi, Wilma! DEE DEE: How're ya feelin'? WILMA: (still groggy) Who the hell...? JOSIE: We're the band, silly. WILMA: Are your ratings good? JOSIE: Sure. WILMA: They won't be soon. What do you call this band? MELODY: Josie and the Pussycats. [Wilma groans and passes out. Scene switches to wardrobe room. Velma is leaving. When she leaves, Betty and Gazoo come out of hiding. They go through the racks and begin putting on excercise outfits -- sweat pants, jogging shoes, sweat bands, etc.] BETTY: Gee, I don't know about this, Gazoo. GAZOO: If only I could remember that name -- "Jetson." BETTY: I think I saw it on a lunchbox one time. GAZOO: Lunchbox. School lunchbox. This is starting to make sense. BETTY: It is? [Betty fumbles with a name tag.] BETTY: Where do I stick this? GAZOO: Anywhere you'd like, Betty. Anywhere you'd like. [Scene shifts to Fairly's office. Velma is applying the finishing touches to Fairly. Ranger Smith has just entered.] VELMA: Jinkies, Mr. Flatstone, are you late for something? RANGER SMITH: He's spending the evening with the most important person in Bedrock! VELMA: And who could that be? FAIRLY: Myself, stupid. But Wilma Flintstone will be there, too. [Ranger Smith lights Fairly's cigar. It explodes. Back to wardrobe room, where Captain Caveman, "Battle Ax," George, Jane, Barney, Daphne, Pebbles and Bam-Bam are all decked out in excercise clothes. Uptempo music begins as the couples do aerobics and sing.] "BATTLE AX": I'm a jogger, highway-hogger Breathin' air so clean I'll be huffin' I'll be puffin' Til I'm lean and mean CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: I'll run for fun Fatty foods I'll shun I'll be wise and excercise a ton "BATTLE AX" & CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: 'Cause now burning fat's where it's at. 'Cause now burning fat's where it's at. GEORGE: Are your pecs all soft and flabby? JANE: Are your thighs in sorry shape? GEORGE: Don't run off to an abbey GEORGE & JANE: Just buy our new aerobics tape! DAPHNE: I'll buy "Deal-A-Meal" and then I'll do some leg-lifts BARNEY: This could do my heart a whole lotta good DAPHNE: Give out weights for Christmas 'cause they make a great gift BARNEY: I could get myself in shape like Jack La Lanne would PEBBLES: Got your Richard Simmons and your Susan Powter BAM-BAM: Hawking silly fitness hustles PEBBLES: And that Fonda chick -- boy, we could do without her! BAM-BAM: But I don't care 'cause I've got bulging muscles [Bam-Bam flexes his muscles and admires himself.] ALL: Lose that weight! Don't be late! GEORGE & JANE: Don't wind up like Fred Flintstone Fat and out of shape Don't feed your face with junk food Eat more apples, peaches, pears, and grapes! ALL: You might think we look kinda flabby But out of these clothes we don't look so shabby 'Cause now burning fat's where it's at -- at! Now burning fat's where it's at [Scene switches to Wilma's dressing room. Wilma is sitting in front of the mirror. George is giving her a backrub. The Pussycats are still hanging around. Jane is sitting on a counter near Wilma. Apparently Wilma's had a change of heart about Fred.] WILMA: Oh, poor Fred! JANE: He's a virtual Shamoo, remember? Don't cry. He wants you to be happy, remember? [Camera shifts to dressing room door, where Judy and her crew are trying to burst in. Barney stops her. Out in the hall, rabid Wilma fans are singing some sort of hymn to her.] JUDY: Aw, c'mon, Barney. Just lemme see Wilma for a second. BARNEY: Sorry, Judy. No can do. JUDY: Aw, Barney! [Barney slams the door and turns to George and Jane.] BARNEY: Is she gonna be all right? Fairly's gettin' kinda impatient. (to Pussycats) You get out on that stage and try to keep the audience entertained! Well, scat! [The Pussycats get up to leave. Barney opens the door to exit. Judy again tries to burst in.] JUDY: Just one question? Please? [Barney exits, shutting the door before Judy can enter. The Pussycats head toward the door.] JOSIE: (handing Wilma a candy bar) Here, Wilma. MELODY: If you eat one of these, you'll have plenty of energy for the show. JOSIE: Yeah! [They leave. Jane takes the candy bar away and tosses it over her shoulder.] JANE: Idiots! [Scene shifts to studio floor. The Teen Angels are leading the audience in a cheer.] TEEN ANGELS: Give us a W! AUDIENCE: W! TEEN ANGELS: Give us an I! AUDIENCE: I! TEEN ANGELS: Give us an L! AUDIENCE:: L! TEEN ANGELS: Give us an M! AUDIENCE: M! TEEN ANGELS: Give us an A! AUDIENCE: A! TEEN ANGELS: What's that spell? AUDIENCE: We don't know! Spelling hasn't been invented yet! [Betty snoops around in the research lab as the Teen Angels continue firing up the audience. She types "Jetson" into the computer. Computer beeps as it spits out informaton.] BETTY: Oh my gosh! They're from the future! [Scene shifts to studio floor. Ranger Smith is walking around the "Fat Factory" set. Gazoo manages to float right past a crew member and sneaks backstage.] SNAGGLEPUSS: Ladies and gentlemen, before the taping of Fairly Flatstone's "Fat Factory" you will be entertained by the studio band! Musicians even! [Audience claps. Scene switches back to research room, where Betty is searching for information on Fairly. The computer tells her to search through old copies of the "Bedrock Gazette." Scene switches to audience. Barney and Daphne are passing out "Fairly Flatstone" sweat bands. Judy is filming a segment with the crowd.] JUDY: So if you're a real health nut, you'll find plenty to enjoy tonight on "Fat Factory." I've even gotten into the spirit of things myself. What do you think? [Judy models her excercise outfit -- leotards, tennis shoes, etc. The crowd applauds. Back to the research room, where Betty is skimming through an old copy of the "Bedrock Gazette." Amongst the headlines: "Wheel still in development," "Einstone unvails new theory," "Fire: Friend or Foe or Evil Spirit?" Betty finally finds the story she's looking for: "Twins split up; mother says constant bickering forced seperation." Next to the story are pictures of Fred and Fairly as youngsters. Scene switches back to studio, where Barney is introducing the band.] BARNEY: And now, ladies and germs, to get you psyched for "Fat Factory," BTV presents an act that will make you want to claw at the furniture...Josie and the Pussycats! [Crowd goes nuts. Scene switches back to the research room. The Pussycats can be heard in the background.] BETTY: (studying the story) Oh, Gazoo. I've heard of stict parenting, but this is ridiculous! JOSIE'S VOICE: One, two, three, four! [Back to the studio, where the Pussycats take the stage with gusto and launch into a rocking tune. Behind them, the Teen Angels wave pom-poms and bounce up and down excitedly. Cut away briefly to the Terminally Fat Ward. Gazoo stumbles in, startling Fred. Back to the studio again.] JOSIE: (sings) We're three rockin' chicks And we're looking for kicks Males have scoffed at us Long enough [Feminist in the audience laughs. Scene switches to Terminally Fat Ward, where Gazoo sees that Fred is chained to the stair-climber. The Pussycats can be heard in the background.] JOSIE'S VOICE: Don't try to push us around [Back to the studio.] JOSIE: You chauvanist clowns We kick butt and stuff We'll prove girls can be tough [Scene switches to Terminally Fat Ward. Gazoo shows Fred a keyring with a LOT of keys on it. Then, back to the studio] JOSIE & ALL: It's been a long time in the making But now the world's ours for the taking JOSIE: And if you think that girls... OTHER PUSSYCATS: Can't cut it! JOSIE: Think again, mister My soul sisters Won't put up with that 'Cuz we're [Back to Terminally Fat Ward. Betty rushes in. Pussycats heard in background.] OTHER PUSSYCATS' VOICES: Meow meow meow meow m-meow [Back to studio.] JOSIE: Pussycats! So don't call us "dumb broads" Because... [Back to Terminally Fat Ward. Gazoo is trying to unlock Fred's chains with a series of keys. Betty is watching attentively. Pussycats can be heard in the background.] JOSIE'S VOICE: We're no frauds [Back to studio.] JOSIE: We're genuine -- rock 'n' roll [Scene switches to Wilma's dressing room. Wilma is in a daze, staring blankly at the mirror. Jane applies hairspray to Wilma's bouffant. Pussycats still heard in the background.] JOSIE'S VOICE: We'll take over this town With our ground-breaking sound [Back to studio.] JOSIE: Worldwide control Is our ultimate goal [Cut away briefly to Terminally Fat Ward, where Betty uses an uneaten rice cake to saw through Fred's chains. Back to studio.] JOSIE & ALL: It's been a long time in the making But now the world's ours for the taking JOSIE: And if you think that girls... OTHER PUSSYCATS: Can't cut it! [Back to Terminally Fat Ward, where Betty has successfully sawed through Fred's chains. Singing in background.] JOSIE'S VOICE: Think again, Mister My soul sisters [Back to studio.] JOSIE: Won't put up with that... [Back to TFW. Gazoo tosses keys away, hitting Fred on the noggin. Back to studio] JOSIE: 'Cuz we're... OTHER PUSSYCATS: Meow meow meow meow m-meow [Back to TFW. Gazoo helps Fred stand up. Betty removes Fred's gag. Singing in background.] JOSIE'S VOICE: Pussycats! FRED: Hey! Where are you takin' me anyway? BETTY: To visit your long-lost relatives! [Back to studio.] JOSIE: Pussycats! AUDIENCE: Pussycats! JOSIE: Pussycats! OTHER PUSSYCATS: Pussycats! JOSIE: (doing the splits) Meow! [Scene switches to TFW; Betty and Gazoo are helping Fred walk. Back to the studio, where Josie and the Pussycats are drinking in the applause. Scene switches to Fairly Flatstone's office. George, Jane, Slate, Barney, Daphne, and Fairly are seated around a table. Judy and her crew are there, filming the event. As scene begins, everyone is smiling, laughing, and having a grand old time.] FAIRLY: She's the perfect woman for the job: attractive, personable, and completely devoid of original ideas! [Everyone applauds.] FAIRLY: And with her as a spokeswoman, my new chain of health clubs will make millions -- under the direct supervision of two pioneers in the fitness field. [Fairly points to George and Jane. Everyone applauds.] FAIRLY: And let's not leave out that prince among men, our own Mr. Slate. [More applause.] FAIRLY: But why are we just sitting here? We've got a show to put on! [Everyone except Fairly files out of the room. Judy shoves a microphone in Fairly's face.] JUDY: Mr. Flatstone, will you be so kind as to grant me an interview? FAIRLY: For you, Judy -- anything! JUDY: A little bird told me that "Fat Factory" is more than just a TV show. FAIRLY: Yeah, there's a home version, too. JUDY: What's your ultimate goal? FAIRLY: Zero percent body fat. In the meantime, I'd settle for having the name "Fairly Flatstone" be synonymous with "physical fitness." JUDY: And what part does Wilma Flintstone play in all this? [Wilma walks in, dazed and confused.] FAIRLY: Any part she wants. WILMA: Fred? [Fairly shakes his head "no."] WILMA: Grampaw? [Scene switches to corridors of Bedrockvale. Gazoo and Betty are lugging Fred around, trying to find their way back to the studio.] BETTY: And believe it or not, Fairly's jealous of you. FRED: Why would a rich, successful guy like that be jealous of a bumbling loser like me? GAZOO: Ssshhh! The writers haven't even figured THAT out yet! [Opening credits for "Fat Factory" are seen on a monitor.] SHOW ANNOUNCER: And now, the moment you've supposedly been waiting for -- "Fat Factory." [Scene switches to studio. The audience are all wearing their "Fairly Flatstone" headbands. Pebbles, Bam-Bam, Mr. Slate, Captain Caveman, "Battle Ax," and Daphne are all seated on stage, wearing excercise gear. Behind them are the giant stone carvings of Fairly and Wilma. Barney is standing at a podium, speaking into a microphone. George and Jane flank him on both sides.] BARNEY: Ladies and genitals...er, gentlemen, Bedrock's own Wilma "Not Val Kilmer" Flintstone, a.k.a. Miss Physical Fitness! [Wilma enters zombie-like through a curtain. She's wearing a red and white workout ensemble. As she walks toward her throne, things seem to be happening in slow motion. Audience gives her a standing ovation. Barney sits down, and Jane steps up to the podium.] JANE: Isn't she svelte? "BATTLE AX": Mommy and step-daddy think you're fabulous, baby! JANE: She "power walks" in beauty! CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: You go, girl! "BATTLE AX": You're fabulous! JANE: We all think she's fabulous! What is she? AUDIENCE; Fabulous! [Audience goes nuts! Ranger Smith raises his arm and shouts, "Wilma!" Wilma sits in her throne and has a blank expression on her face.] JANE: Wilma's outfit has been provided by the Bedrock Boutique, who've asked that you patronize their store -- not their employees. This is just one of many perks Wilma can enjoy as the first in a series of many Miss Physical Fitnesses. Did I say that right? Fitnesses? [Audience goes even nutsier! Barney returns to podium.] BARNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, the King himself. [Drum roll. The people on stage stand at attention. A hush goes over the crowd. Judy tells Elroy and Astro to film the King's entrance. Joe Rockhead (an ordinary-looking lug) enters and walks to the podium.] JOE ROCKHEAD: Hi, I'm Joe Rockhead -- the King of Used Cars! [Disappointed, the people on stage sit back down. Joe shrugs.] JOE ROCKHEAD: I would like to give Miss Physical Fitness here the keys to a fine used automobile from Rockhead Motors, but unfortunately, the cars on "The Flintstones" all run on foot power and don't seem to have any doors or windows, so there's really no need for keys. Anyway, ya see that car over there? [Camera pans over to ragged-looking car fashioned from wood, stone, and animal skins.] JOE ROCKHEAD: If Wilma can get that clunker out of the studio tonight, the car is all hers. And I'll throw in an air freshener at no extra cost. [Audience cheers. Joe walks over to Wilma to give her the air- freshener, but George stops him, takes the air-freshener, and drags Joe offstage. Barney steps to the podium.] BARNEY: Unfortunately, Wilma is unable to form a coherent sentence today. [Audience moans.] BARNEY: But coming up next, we have a guy who can speak enough for the both of them. You know him. You love him. [Briefly cut away to Bedrockvale corridors, where Gazoo and Betty accidently drop Fred on the floor. Back to the studio.] BARNEY: He's not really blind after all. [Audience is stunned.] BARNEY: He's...Mister Slate!!! [Mr. Slate stumbles in, no longer wearing the dark glasses. He has his arms outstretched and is swatting at the air in front of him. He starts walking the wrong way. Bam-Bam eventually has to help him to the podium. Briefly cut away to Bedrockvale corridors. Betty, Gazoo, and Fred find themselves at another dead end. They see a sign that says "Not An Exit" (a la "This Is Spinal Tap") and turn around. Back to the studio.] STONED AUDIENCE MEMBER: Play some Skynyrd, man. MR. SLATE: Yabba dabba doo, Bedrock! AUDIENCE: Yabba dabba doo, Mr. Slate! BARNEY: How's it hanging, Slate? MR. SLATE: Let's not get vulgar, Rubble. Anyway, I'm here to introduce the man that has given us bronto-burgers, Miss Mental Health, and now "Fat Factory." Gimme an F for... AUDIENCE: Fairly. MR. SLATE: And an F for... [Audience is puzzled. They don't know what to say.] MR. SLATE: Flatstone, you morons! AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah! Flatstone! [Fairly enters regally. Audience applauds like the Pavlovian dogs they are.] FAIRLY: My slaves! Er, I mean, my buddies! Tonight is the night that my beautiful creature...Oops! Wrong movie! Uh, tonight is the night that we take our first step towards happiness through physical fitness. From this night on, our slogan shall be: "Excercise, Don't Empathize!" It's not the world's best slogan, but it's the best I could come up with on short notice. But whatever the slogan might lack is more than made up for by our beautiful spokesperson, Ms. Wilma Flintstone. [Wilma stands up as audience again applauds. (I'm getting sick of writing that phrase.) Scene switches to Bedrockvale corridors. Fred has heard Fairly's speech and has taken notice.] FRED: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! [Gazoo and Betty halt. Fred runs right at the wall and crashes through the giant stone carvings onto the "Fat Factory" set. Gazoo and Betty follow him and walk onto the stage. The audience is panicked.] AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: It's Godzilla! AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: This is Bedrock, not Tokyo. That must be King Kong. I mean, just look at the hair on him. FRED: (pointing to Fairly) No-good-nik! FAIRLY: Oh boy, are you sick! FRED: You're the sick one. You think you're so slick. WILMA: (coming out of her daze) Fred! GEORGE: Seize him, fools, he should be locked away in chains! [Ranger Smith takes notice and begins walking toward the stage.] WILMA: I never signed that contract. Boy, you're mighty short on brains! GAZOO: To mess up Fred's life, you sent him to the fat farm! FAIRLY: (outraged) What a load of dino droppings! I'd never cause him that harm! [Fred and Fairly become increasingly childish.] FRED: I'm rubber and you're glue, sir. FAIRLY: Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you...sir!!! [Music begins as Fred and Fairly start wrasslin' and brawlin' right there on the stage.] FAIRLY: (sings) You fat loser They could feed a nation with the food you eat for lunch ev'ry day FRED: And you're a junk food abuser Always munching on potato chips Smothered in some French onion dip You're a big-mouthed small-brained no-good loser From a distance, I mistook you for a Greyhound sceni-cruiser FAIRLY: I've had enough of you -- Get ready to pay! You're fat as hell! FRED: You weigh a ton! FAIRLY: If you had called first, I'd have brought my gun You won't lose weight You'll just inflate So just give up! FRED: You beat me up You called me names So if I seem upset Well, you're to blame FAIRLEY: It's no wonder our whole family's so screwed up FRED: You're pathetic! This TV station is your whole existance It makes me sad FAIRLY: And what exactly have you done, Fred? Always working at that go-nowhere job Dressing like a moth-eaten slob You're a spineless, brainless, second-rate chicken You're tubby, kinda grubby And you need a good butt-kickin' FRED: I've had enough of you -- Get ready to pay FAIRLY: You're fat as hell! FRED: You weigh a ton! FAIRLY: If you had called first, I'd have brought my gun You won't lose weight 'Cause you'll just inflate So just give up! FRED: You locked me up Messed up my life You called me nuts and Tried to steal my wife FAIRLY: It's no wonder our whole family's so screwed up. FRED: It's no wonder our whole family's so screwed up. FAIRLY: It's no wonder our whole family's so screwed up. [Music ends. Fairly regains his composure and stands up.] FAIRLY: (addressing the audience) Pay no attention to that man behind the podium. He's a spy from Disney! Plus, look at how fat he is! [Audience gasps.] FRED: I'm as thin as you are. [Audience gasps again.] FRED: Thinner! GEORGE: (muscling his way to the podium) And he's only been at Bedrockvale since the beginning of this movie! [Audience cheers. Camera pans to Barney and Mr. Slate. Barney is clapping.] MR. SLATE: They should be forced to work in the gravel pits. BARNEY: Huh? MR. SLATE: Just daydreaming. [Barney looks uncomfortable and walks over to Fairly.] BARNEY: (to Fairly, quietly) We'll plant a story in "The Bedrock Gazette" saying the whole thing was a publicity stunt. The public'll eat it up. (to audience) On behalf of BTV, I sincerely apologize to Mr. Flatstone. It just goes to show you. As soon as you're famous, obscure relatives come out of the woodwork. [Audience cheers approval.] AUDIENCE MEMBER DRESSED UP LIKE SHAFT: Right on! FAIRLY: No need to apologize. In fact, I'm glad Mr. Flintstone showed up. He'll make a great "before" picture for my weight loss ads. [All eyes turn to Wilma. After a moment of contemplation, she reaches down and tries to help Fred stand up. This takes a lot of effort on Wilma's part, but she manages to pull him up from the floor. Fairly is taken aback for a moment and then starts chanting "Scram!," getting louder and pointing to the door each time. The crowd catches on and begin to copy Fairly (except for a few dimwits who point the wrong way). The people on stage join in, too. Ranger Smith comes and rudely escorts Gazoo, Betty, Fred, and Wilma to the research lab. Seeing this, the Pussycats and the Teen Angels head toward Wilma's used car.] FAIRLY: You see? The program's only a few minutes old, and already we've lost a few hundred pounds of unwanted fat! [Audience cheers. Fairly motions to Daphne.] FAIRLY: Would you come here please, you red-haired vixen you? How'd ya like to be the NEW Miss Physical Fitness, Daisy? DAPHNE: The name's Daphne. FAIRLY: Let's hear it for Daisy, ladies and gentlemen!!! [Betty moons Daphne.] BETTY: Hey, Daphne, kiss my... [Camera goes to "Battle Ax" and Capt. Caveman, who are applauding.] "BATTLE AX": (sobbing) I'm so disappointed! I had such high hopes for that girl! CAPTAIN CAVEMAN: Oh, give it rest, honey. Me no care! [Camera goes to George and Jane.] JANE: This could be dumber than "Laff-A-Lympics." GEORGE: On "Laff-A-Lympics" you don't get free air fresheners. [George flips the air freshener out of his hand and back in again. Camera goes to Fairly and Daphne.] FAIRLY: And remember, physical fitness today leads to...er, what does it lead to? Well, something good anyway! [Fairly gives Daphne a deep soul kiss. Barney is upset, but keeps clapping. Audience (you guessed it) cheers.] FAIRLY: So, ladies and gentleman, do what's right and make it a Bedrockvale night. AUDIENCE: Bedrockvale!! FAIRLY: (to Daphne) Thanks, babe. Now scram! (to audience) Let's go!! [Camera goes over to Judy, who's pouting. The audience members begin filing out of their seats and down the aisle.] JUDY: (to her crew) Shoot. I wanted to be Miss Physical Fitness! Redheads have all the fun. [Audience members are being handcuffed and led into Bedrockvale by George, Jane, Pebbles, etc. Ranger Smith watches with great interest as he stands guard in front of the research lab. Camera pans over to Judy, who's filming a segment.] JUDY: And bronto-burger king Fairly Flatstone has kicked things off by giving his new Miss Physical Fitness a kiss of approval -- and probably a social disease, too. And the crowd is going nuts, as they're tossed into the Bedrockvale jail...er, weight loss facility. [Back to the research lab. Ranger Smith is making sure Fred, Wilma, Gazoo, and Betty don't leave the research lab.] FRED: Hey, I think they're giving away free samples! [Ranger Smith is about to take off, because he sees Judy and her crew following the crowd into Bedrockvale.] JUDY: (to her crew) Faster, Elroy! Faster, Astro! We don't want to miss a single, gory detail. [Ranger Smith shoves Fred into the lab and locks the door. He runs off after everyone else. Scene shifts to interior of research lab. Music and singing begins softly.] FRED: Some say our jokes just aren't that funny WILMA: Some say our animation's crummy FRED: Some say our plots are always corny WILMA: Some say Joe Rockhead gets them horny GAZOO: Some say they think our theme song's groovy BETTY: Some say they skipped that "Flintstones" movie [Betty karate kicks the door open.] GAZOO: But... [The four of them conga out of the research lab toward the audience seats. The music becomes much more (pardon the pun) animated.] FRED & WILMA & GAZOO & BETTY: We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We're gonna milk it As long as "Flinstones" stuff makes money We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We're gonna milk it Even though it's not funny [The four of them sit down in the audience seats.] FRED & WILMA: Some say our scripts are kinda sappy BETTY & GAZOO: Some say our merchandising's crappy FRED & WILMA: Some say the show has run its course now BETTY & GAZOO: Some say you two should get divorced now FRED & WILMA: Some say they've had enough of Bedrock BETTY & GAZOO: Some say that Barney should wear dreadlocks GAZOO: But... [The quartet dances down the aisle to the stage to see the Pussycats and the Teen Angels waiting for them in the car.] FRED & WILMA & GAZOO & BETTY: We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We're gonna milk it As long as "Flinstones" stuff makes money We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We're gonna milk it Even though it's not funny [Scene shifts to the Jetsons' office. Fairly is standing on the desk, which is buckling under his weight. He is drinking a toast with the "Fat Factory" cast. Cameras follow the audience members, now handcuffed and doing aerobic excericses in the Terminally Fat Ward. Everyone sings.] AUDIENCE: Bedrock, Bedrock -- rhymes with "out of wedlock" A -- page right out of history Bedrock, Bedrock -- also rhymes with "dreadlock" It's -- been on for so damn long Can its fans be wrong? That's Bedrock's biggest mystery [Scene shifts back to studio. The band has just pushed open the studio bay door. Fred pushes the car off the stage.] FRED & WILMA & GAZOO & BETTY: We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We're gonna milk it As long as "Flinstones" stuff makes money We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We'll milk this show for all it's worth, all it's worth We're gonna milk it Even though it's not funny Even though it's not funny Even though it's not funny [Fred, Wilma, Gazoo, Betty, the Pussycats, and the Teen Angels cram into the car and drive off. The door closes behind them. The camera moves in on the "Bedrock: The Home of Homonids" sign.] NARRATOR: The moral of the story is: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him watch "Donahue." No, wait. That didn't sound right. FRED & WILMA & GAZOO & BETTY: (off-screen) Even though it's not funny FRED'S VOICE: Yabba dabba doo! [Closing credits. We hear the overture again and see Polarock snapshots of the cast members.] [ T H E E N D ] *****